Careers After The Sacramento Kings
By Bryan Rose
If there is one thing Hedo Turkoglu shouldn’t do, it’s start a rap career. But let’s face it – there comes a time that every player needs to do something after basketball. Doktakra of LowPosts and I have once again joined forces to uncover what some of the teams’ best and favorite players have been up to in their post-Kings days. Let’s take a look at the careers and business venture’s our Kings have gotten into:
Jason Williams: Williams couldn’t stay retired for long, and soon became a respected professor of Chinese Studies at a local university. “I went from confused to Confucius, homes!” he shouted when reached by phone. Word has it that J-Will refuses to allow his students to call him by his last name, and instead prefers to be called, “Professor White Boy.”
Read the knuckles to find out Professor Williams’ name of choice.
Mike Bibby: Bibby finally combined his two loves, basketball and manicures, to release “Bibbalicious Nail Clippers,” a grooming set designed to be used during games. ”There were times when Rick [Adelman] would sub me back in, but I had to tell him, ‘Nah, man, not ’til I finish the acrylic tips. I didn’t want someone to have to go through that again.”
Vlade Divac: Vlade had a difficult time after leaving Sacramento, and his smoking habit was out of control. ”I was smoking five packs a day, and needed help,” he confesses in his latest commercial for “Vlade’s Patch,” Nicoderm’s biggest rival. He adds, “this is the only nicotine patch you can trust, because you know it won’t flop,” with a wink to the camera.
Vlade’s Patch won’t ever flop…
Scot Pollard: Pollard opened a barbershop that specialized in Color Me Badd hairstyles and goatees, but was forced to shut down operations when Kevin Love was his best and only customer. He then began moonlighting as a D.A.S.E. (Drug Abuse Submission Education) officer, encouraging kids to do drugs.
Brad Miller: Although he doesn’t remember how he came up with the idea, Brad’s line of snack products, “Miller’s Munchies,” has become one of the best sellers on the market. “It’s because it’s high on flavor,” he claims, before giggling uncontrollably. “Just don’t tell them who my best customer is, or he’ll end up confiscating this tape.”
Miller’s Munchies are high on flavor…
Chris Webber: Still fuming after a rehabilitation center used his name without permission — “Webber’s Wehab: Knee Braces & More” — C-Webb declined to take time out for an interview.
Doug Christie: After the Christies left Sacramento, Doug’s wife was no longer able to keep tabs on her husband’s every move. Out came, “Doug Jackie Christie’s Dog Leashes,” designed to “keep your man in check when he’s actin’ wild…like talking to some hoochie.”
This is an actual promo shot from their reality show, “Committed.” I kid you not.
Bonzi Wells: Wells took his contract negotiating skills to the financial world. He turned down a multi-year offer from Goldman Sachs to become a Lehman Brothers intern. When that failed to work out, he opened his own Goodwill store and is waiting for your donation.
Lawrence Funderburke: Funderburke opened “Fundy’s Bench & Chair Shop,” the only local retailer specializing in making custom benches. ”It’s what I know best from my time with the Kings. I’m actually recruiting Mateen [Cleaves] to come cheer for us. No one waives a towel like that dude.”
I’m too sexy for my shirt…
We Also Hear:
*Keon Clark: Clark is now working as a cook… in Cell Block D. Child support is fuckin expensive yo!
*Ronnie Price: Capitalizing on his own 15 minutes of fame, Price is now working as a celebrity acting coach for reality stars.
*Cuttino Mobley: Mobley, along with co-founder Steve Francis, opened a highly profitable male strip club, “Anal Gleen’s.” Peja Stojakovic is their top dancer.