What Characters From The Major League Movie Would The Sacramento Kings Be?

A few weeks back, I made mention in a tweet that George Maloof reminded me of Rachel Phelps, the antagonistic and hated owner of the Cleveland Indians in the film Major League:

"During games like this, I picture George Maloof sitting in a Vegas penthouse like he was Rachel Phelps, the Indians owner from Major League."

Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn – Credit: Major League Film

Since then, the Kings who appeared to be at rock bottom have fallen further and the silence from the Maloof family has become deafening. The continued poor play has lead to many suggesting that the Kings and the organization resemble that of the Cleveland Indian franchise portrayed in the Major League series, which got me thinking – given the comparable circumstances, what characters would the Kings be in the movie? While not all comparisons are perfect, there are certainly a few that could be dead ringers:

Jake Taylor – Ah, yes, the loveable veteran on a team full of youth sounds like the long tenured Francisco Garcia. Now in his eighth year on the ballclub and struggling to find sporadic playing time, Garcia has morphed into a player-coach (more coach) and spends his time mentoring the younger talent on the roster. Quiet and as much of a leader as the team has, Garcia fits the role perfectly.

Roger Dorn – Great at nothing and always sulking, the incompetent third baseman from the first film who moved on to becoming the short lived incompetent owner in the second film (before re-selling the team to Rachel Phelps) doesn’t have a great comparison to anybody on the Kings, but his lack of concern and overall “whatever” persona could fit with small forward John Salmons. Dorn, who retired after the first movie, eventually made his way back to the club in the second film and much like the Indians in regard to Dorn, the Kings (who’re on their second go-around with Salmons) just can’t seem to get rid of him.

Willie “Mays” Hayes – The narcissistic Hayes, much like the aforementioned Dorn doesn’t exactly match-up well with any current member of the Kings franchise, though, if you had to pick you might find some similarities between he and James Johnson. Though Johnson isn’t exactly the self-promoter that Hayes is, both have a bit too much faith in their offensive abilities (or lack of) and both enjoy attempting to leave their comfort zone, looking silly in the process. If they’d just stay in their role, they’d be fine complimentary talents but both struggle to do so.

Pedro Cerrano – Ah yes, the loveable giant. At first glance Cerrano and DeMarcus Cousins could be a match, simply off power and size alone, but Cerrano strikes me more as a comparison to Tyreke Evans. Although talented and powerful, both Cerrano and Evans sometimes mentally stray from the game – struggling in the process. When a fire is lit, they look like All-Star talents but the lack of consistent play makes the two a solid comparison. Apparently, somebody must’ve recently questioned the size of Reke’s “marhbalez” as the former ROY is looking like Cerrano after he moved on from his flowery incenses.

MAHBALHZ. YOU HAS MAHBALHZ – Credit: Major League Film

Isuro Tanaka – The Indians sparkplug is a perfect comparison to Isaiah Thomas as he and Tanaka would not only struggle to get clearance to ride the Matterhorn but each is known for their ability to to jumpstart the team with their motivational ways.

Rube Baker – The loveable catcher who seemingly can’t throw back to the pitcher without reciting Penthouse articles has many characteristics that mesh with Jason Thompson, especially when Thompson was a young player in the league. Both hard working and fan favorites, Thompson struggled to learn the game during his early years much like Baker, but as they both progressed they turned into the most consistent option for their teams. Neither flashy nor a superstar, each still got the job done when it counts.

Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn – Is there a better subject in the NBA to compare to The Wild Thing than DeMarcus Cousins? Loved by the faithful and all but despised by the rest, Cousins is the wobbly franchise star who doesn’t exactly know how to act in the bright lights of stardom. Often misunderstood and at times struggling with their games, the two players can never seem to get in the good graces no matter what they do, consistently being nitpicked over the smallest of things. The story had a happy ending for Vaughn – hopefully the same waits for Cousins. Or before he shoots a doomed Pepsi commercial. Whatever is first.

George Maloo..uh, Rachel Phelps – Credit: Major League Film

Rachel Phelps – Known as the worst owner in professional sports (at least in the movie), there isn’t much explanation needed when it comes to the Phelps comparisons. Constantly trying to sabotage her team with hopes of relocating them to Florida, the resemblance is striking and the reason for the parallels between the two franchises, despite one being fictional.

If you’re one of the few who’s never seen either of the first two Major League movies (you can pass on the third), I highly suggest you take the time to watch them – even if you’re not much of a baseball fan. It’ll certainly give you a little laugh about the Kings situation – at least for a few minutes, that is, until you start to realize just how close the two situations are. Then you’ll need a couple boxes of Kleenex and a help hotline.