Missing Your Ex-Kings Lately?!


There was a somewhat significant overhaul of the Kings roster this past off season. Gone are the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jon Brockman, Andres Nocioni, and the ever glorious Sean May. And if you’ve got ex-lover syndrome, you’re probably wondering how well they’ve been fitting in with their new squads. Well, snowflake, I’m glad you asked.

First, let’s take a look at Spencer Hawes. The politician loving, uh, center…I guess, was the key piece in the Samuel Dalembert acquisition earlier this year. And while we’re only seven-ish games into the season, Hawes’ love and fiery passion for the game has already been noticed by members of the Philadelphia media:

"Spencer Hawes has been awful this season. Collins’ decision to start him has made sense, up until now. Basically, if Collins doesn’t try to get a few good minutes out of Hawes at the start of the game, it’s pretty much a given that Hawes will contribute nothing for the entire game. At least with Hawes starting, Collins can eat away a few minutes before going to a small lineup or before going to Tony Battie, whose legs just can’t handle extended minutes all season long. But the problem, through six games, is that Hawes isn’t just treading water and getting the Sixers to the 6:00-minute mark of the first quarter about even, he’s digging them into pretty deep holes. He’s slow (the Cavaliers absolutely destroyed the Sixers on any pick-and-roll Hawes was involved with), he can’t rebound, and he’s playing soft."

Ah, Spencer, how I remember you so. Hawes is averaging a mind blowing 4.6 points, 2.6 rebounds, and .9 blocks in 14.7 minutes this year.

Spencer’s long lost lover and fan favorite in Sactown, Jon Brockman, isn’t doing so hot in his new home either. After signing a three year deal with the Milwaukee Bucks (in what was essentially a sign and trade), the country sized farm boy has struggled to find any playing time with the big man heavy Bucks. In about 10 minutes a game, Brockman has managed only 1.7 points and 2 rebounds while Darnell Jackson, the OTHER part of the trade, has put up 5.3 points and 3.3 rebounds for the Kings (and it’s been noticed in Milwaukee). Buck fans have been impressed with his hard work and nose for the ball, but apparently, the Bucks coaching staff isn’t feeling the same vibe considering the lack of floor time.

Onto one of my personal favorite fuckup’s, Andres Nocioni. The Argentinian small forward who was the second wheel in the Samuel Dalembert/Spencer Hawes trade has continued his level of craptatude in the city of brotherly love, chiming in similar stats to his Sacramento stop. He most certainly is shooting better (probably because he’s not drunk, I’m assuming…) but still drawing the wrath of fans who are already in favor of moving him to the bench and those who even want to go further and buy him out.

"When Andre returns, I’d love to see Evan (Turner) bump Andres Nocioni from the last (starting) spot, but as long as he gets plenty of time off the bench, I’m fine with it."

There is little in this world that makes me happier than seeing Nocioni struggle. I never liked Chapu in Chicago and I hated him in Sacramento. Plus, he always looked like he reeked of garlic. Don’t tell me you didn’t smell it too. Like fucking Gilroy.

And now you ask about Sean May, yes? Everybody’s lovable teddy bear has found a new home in…well, actually. Fuck. Way to ruin this Sean. Apparently, Sean has yet to find a home where he can tone his basketball skills, which I’m sure comes off as quite a shock. I mean really, who doesn’t want an overweight jumpshooting power forward?! Wasn’t that recipe tried with Antoine Walker!?

Other past Kings of yester-season such as Ime Udoka, Dominic McGuire, and Kenny Motherfuckin’ Thomas find themselves out of the NBA completely. Thomas was most recently released by the Memphis Grizzlies and totally reminds me of the NBA version of Kenny Powers. Somebody get K-Dog a mullet wig. And you’re fuckin’ out of the league.