Listen, I really don’t have much against Beno Udrih. No really, I don’t. It’s not as if he slept with my girlfriend or anything. Well, at least, not that I know of. And even if he did, it’s not like he’d have any chance of completing the job. Especially once things get slippery. Beno has enough of a difficult time holding onto things that aren’t wet.
Anyway, in a joint effort between Lowposts.com and ARoyalPain.com, doktakra and I came up with 19 reasons why Beno Udrih most likely will be the reason for the demise of the earth. Some say Global Warming, I say Udrih.
Without further adieu:
- A monkey wasn’t responsible for the virus in Outbreak. It was Beno Udrih.
- That wasn’t an Earthquake that rumbled San Francisco in 1989 — it was God crying when he saw Beno Udrih pick up a basketball for the first time.
- The police should stop looking for the killers of 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G., and Big L. Beno Udrih is responsible for all three murders. And for creating Lil Wayne. That fucker.
- Lorena Bobbit had just finished watching Beno Udrih commit 19 turnovers the night she sliced off her husband’s willy.
- Bloody Mary doesn’t appear in a mirror if her name is called three times. Beno Udrih comes in her place.
- Bernie Madoff considers Beno Udrih his hero for the fraud job he pulled on the Sacramento Kings
- Alanis Morissette wrote “You Oughta Know” about, you guessed it,Beno Udrih.
- Captain Sully of of US Airways Flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson River said it was not birds that hit the engine, but rather a errant pass from Beno Udrih.
- There’s a little-known cheat code in “Grand Theft Auto” (B-E-N-O) which gives a player $32 million for doing absolutely nothing.
- Len Bias’ heart attack wasn’t caused by a cocaine overdose. He had a vision that Beno Udrih would make $7 million per season.
- Bakeries across the United States are renaming the “Apple Turnover” to the “Apple Beno.”
- Before Udrih re-signed with Sacramento, he was heavily courted by Mike Dunleavy and the Los Angeles Clippers. Oh, wait…
- The American Health Institute has declared a state of emergency and are no longer researching a cure for cancer. They’re now researching a cure for Beno Udrih disease.
- The Hurricane Katrina evacuation efforts would’ve run smoothly had Beno Udrih not been the head of FEMA at the time.
- Parents are now calling the “monster” under the children’s bed, “Beno”.
- Don’t believe People magazine — Jon and Kate Gosselin are really getting divorced because they discovered that Beno Udrih was one of the “Plus 8.”
- The state of California is considering renaming the “Amber Alert” to the “Beno Alert” to reflect his missing game.
- Beno Udrih wrote and directed both Gigli and Glitter, earning a record six Razzie Awards in the process. (Contrary to popular belief, however, Beno did not cast Sofia Coppola in Godfather: Part III. That was Reggie Theus.)
- Beno Udrih told me Santa Claus wasn’t real when I was five years old. I hate you, dad.
Tags: Beno Udrih